24: Ozone
by Awsumdave
Summary: All the stereotypes 24 can have is in this funny parody


24: OZONE

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE  
BETWEEN 2:00 P.M. AND 3:00 P.M  
PACIFIC STANDARD TIME

2:00 P.M. PST  
Main Street, Los Angeles

The sun  
high above him beat down on Jack Bauer's heavy forehead as he picked  
his nose. This was his day off, and even when he wasn't working a  
stress, he still gets hot and sweaty.   
"Excuse me," A wondering traveler stopped him.  
Jack turned to the traveler and grunted, "What?"  
"Will you sign your autograph, Mr. Sutherland?"Jack punched the guy square in the nose and, the traveler was out  
cold. That was the third time today someone asked if he was this  
Kiefer Sutherland actor. Every time he is asked that ridiculous  
question, he got more angry. Jack Bauer stopped another man passing  
by.

Jack smiled, "I'm gonna need a hacksaw."

2:10 P.M. PST  
CTU Headquarters, Los Angeles

"How can this be possible?" Bill Buchanan asked Chloe O'Brian.  
"Well, apparently someone got in control of some kind of machine that lets them control it."

"I see. Well we're going to have to call Jack in on this one."  
"But Mr. Buchanan, it's Jack's day off, don't you think he has been through enough?"  
"Chloe, this is a Code Red, which means we're going to have to use all the help we can on this one."

"Fine." Chloe said, slumping back in her seat.  
"When Bauer gets here, call everyone into a meeting. We need to act fast."  
Chloe nodded her head, and called Jack.

2:15 P.M  
Main Street, Los Angeles

Jack answered his phone.  
"Hello?"  
"Jack it's Chloe, Bill needs you in right away."  
"How'd you get this number?" Jack screamed into the phone.  
On the other screen, Chloe moved her head away from the phone. Jack's screaming got a little irritating sometimes.  
"Why wouldn't I? Listen, it's a Code Red so come in as soon as you can.  
"I'll be there in 10 seconds."  
"10 seconds, Jack that's not possible."  
"Chloe this is LA, you can get anywhere in 10 seconds."  
With this, Jack hung up the phone.

TEN SECONDS LATER  
CTU Head Quarters

"What do we got?" Jack asked Chloe as she met him inside the main entrance.  
"Bill, and everyone else are waiting for you in the meeting room."

Jack ran past her, and into the meeting room, where Bill and the rest of the CTU staff were waiting for him."Okay, Jack's here, we can begin. It seems that somebody is in control  
of Global Warming, and is using it against us. If they are in control  
of the ozone layer, they may not know what they are doing. They are a  
very unknown terrorist group.

"I know them." Jack said, pointing to the screen.  
"How?" Bill asked.  
"I know everything, Bill." Jack said grunting."Right. Well we are going to need our best work on this, so if you'll  
excuse me, I need to be debriefed." Jack watched as Bill stood up from  
his seat, and took off his pants.

Jack walked out of the meeting room, and walked over to Chloe's desk.   
"Chloe I need you to set up a prep team for me. ASAP."  
"You got it, Jack." Tony Almeida then walked through the main entrance. Some workers at CTU screamed, others just jumped.

"You're supposed to be dead, Bill Buchanan said, holding his pants.  
"What, Jack can escape death, but I can't?"  
"Good point."  
Tony wasted no time, he turned to Chloe and said, "Open up a socket."

"For what?"  
"Don't question me, Chloe, just do your job.

2:32 P.M. PST  
On the Road, Los Angeles

Jack and Tony walked out of the CTU building, and got in the big black SUV, and started driving.

"Tony, we are running out of time."  
"I'm sorry Jack, I'm doing the best I can, here."  
Jack pulled over the big SUV and pointed his gun at Tony  
"WHERE IS THE BOMB?"  
"Jack…..I don't know what you're talking about."

Jack pressed his gun against Tony's temple. "I know it's you behind this attack."  
Jack shot Tony's knee  
"WHERE IS IT!"  
"Ok, okay I'll tell you, Jack… It's

2:45 P.M. PST  
Commercial Break

2:55 P.M. PST  
LAX Airport, Los Angeles

Jack was  
trying to figure out this complex time bomb. It was set to explode any  
minute now. Once this thing exploded, it would set off a wireless  
transmitter that would open up the Ozone layer, and ultimately destroy  
the world.

"Chloe, we are running out of time."  
"Jack you told me 13 times already, I'm working on it."  
"Two minutes left."  
"Okay, Okay Jack, I got it, all you need to do is…"  
The bomb went off

3:00 P.M. PST

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE

BETWEEN 3:00 P.M AND 4:00 P.M

3:00 P.M.

LAX AIRPORT, LOS ANGELES

It was a dud, Jack Bauer noticed. Chloe announced that she noticed several rerouting locations to where the real bomb was.

"Ok, Chloe, I'm comin back, we have a well known suspect."

"Who is it?"

"Tony Almeida."

"That known huh?"

"I'll brief Bill when I get back."

"Ok Jack, Bill wants to kno…"

Jack hung up the phone. It was time to go.

3:12 P.M.

CTU, LOS ANGELES

"Where's Jack?" Bill asked

"He's coming in to brief you, sir."

"It's about time."

3:15 P.M.

LAX PARKING LOT, LOS ANGELES

Jack walked coolly to his SUV. He noticed a slight movement next the the car. Pulling out his gun, he shouted "COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!"

"Alright Jack…" Came the voice of a familiar female.

From behind the vehicle, Nina Myers came forth.

"NO!" Jack shouted shooting in every direction….but in the direction of Nina.

"Stop Jack. Or I kill your daughter."

"NO!" Jack shouted, still shooting in every which direction.

"OW!" an old lady screamed crossing the street.

"If you touch Kim, I'll"

"You'll what Jack, you'll kill me?"

Jack snorted

"Yup."

3:25 P.M

AN ABANDONED WEARHOUSE, SOUTH DAKOTA

"What in the world am I doing in South Dakota?" Kim asked her captor.

"This is where it'll all happen…the end of the world."

"I still don't get how you can talk."

"Keep your mouth shut." The cougar said.

3:30 P.M.

LAX PARKING LOT, LOS ANGELES

Do Do…Dee Doo…Jack's phone rang.

"You are going to want to answer that, Jack."

_Growls_

"Bauer, who is this?"

"We have your daughter."

"Don't you dare hurt Kim."

"Oh no, not Kim. Your other daughter."

Jack swore under his breath.

"Who is this?"

"Don't you recognize me, Jack, its Kate."

3:45 P.M.

CTU, LA

"We just confirmed how they are going to use the Ozone." Chloe announced.

"Lets hear it."

"Nerve Gas."

"Are you serious?"

"Afraid so, sir."

"Alright, looks like we're gonna have to call in a specialist. Someone who knows the real effects of Nerve gas." Bill walked over to a phone and clicked one button. "Get him in here right away.

3:55 P.M.

LOS ANGELES MORGUE

Edgar Styles sat up with a stretch. As the morgue specialist could see, Edgar was feeling a little blue…and crusty

4:00 P.M.

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE

BETWEEN 4:00 P.M. AND 5:00 P.M

4:00 P.M.

CTU HEADQUARTERS, LOS ANGELES

"What did you say, Jack?" Bill asked Jack, still bottomless.

"The terrorists have both Kim and  
my other daughter."

"Jack, I didn't know you had  
another daughter."

"It's complicated, Bill, look I'll  
brief you when I get back."

"Alright…it is getting a bit chilly  
in here."

Bill hung up the phone and looked  
at the entrance of CTU. Edgar was  
currently walking through the hallway with two guards dressed in red.

"Chloe!" Edgar shouted

Chloe, filled with excitement ran  
right over to her old friend, and threw her arms around him.

"Excuse me…" Morris  
proclaimed. He walked over to the two  
huggers. "Just what do you think you're doing with my hottie?"

"Morris relax, we're just  
huggi…What's that?" Chloe asked Morris, holding a paper bag.

"Nothing, darling." He then took  
the paper bag to his mouth, and swallowed three times.

"Are you drinking again?"

"Relax, darling, I spat it out, I  
promise."

"No you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"No you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"No you didn't."

Morris rolled his eyes, took  
another swig of the drink and spat it out all over Edgar.

"There, happy?"

Edgar Stiles wiped his face off.

4:16 P.M.

ON THE ROAD

"Keep  
driving." Nina ordered pointing a gun at  
him.

"What's  
this all about?"

"Don't  
you get it by now? There cannot be a day  
in this world where there isn't an assassination attempt on the president."

Five  
minutes passed…then Jack grunted.

4:25 P.M.

ABANDONED WEARHOUSE, SOUTH DAKOTA

"Let  
me go!" Kim shouted to her captor.

"No  
can do, Kim. Once we have your father do  
what we want, we'll let you and your sister go."

"My  
sister? My mom died before she could give birth."

"Yes,  
but this is a whole different story. One  
everyone knows about."

"What?"  
Kim asked.

The  
cougar explained it to her.

"Well  
that explains everything doesn't it?"

Cougar  
nodded.

4:33 P.M.

CTU HQ, LOS ANGELES

"Alright,  
Jack, I'll let you go now, but I'll know if you deceive us."

Nina  
pushed Jack out the car, and drove on. Jack ran inside the building.

"Jack,  
good to see you." Bill greeted him.

"Nina  
was just here, Chloe can you grab satellite photos, and run the impossible  
super duper enhancing program to trace her?"

"I'll  
get right on it Jack."

Jack  
ran over to Bill.

"Alright..Bill,  
listen."

Bill  
stopped Jack, and handed Jack his pants.

"Okay,"  
Bill said, "brief me."

4:40 P.M.

EVIL HEADQUARTERS, LOS ANGELES

The phone rang, and he picked it  
up.

"Yes?"

"Our plan is going just the way  
we planned." Nina announced.

"Jack is probably tracking you,  
so you must ditch your vehicle."

"Already done, Mr. Chappell."

"Good, Bauer has messed up my  
life ever since day three. It's time to  
repay him."

4:45 P.M.

CTU HQ, LOS ANGELES

"That's a lot  
better, thank you Jack." Bill said, buttoning his pants. "Okay, now what's this about your other  
daughter?"

Bill noticed  
sweat coming from Jack's forhead

"Can you hold on  
a second, Bill, I'll be right back."

Jack ran to his  
office, and took out a tool box. Inside  
the toolbox, Jack almost injected himself with heroin, but stopped himself from  
doing so, by throwing everything in his office around."

Outside his  
office, Bill was knocking, "Everything alright, Jack?"

Jack opened the  
door. "I'm remodeling."

"Oh, well, we  
need to really talk about this other daughter of yours."

"You better turn  
on the news, Bill."

Bill turned on  
to the most popular news station.

"What's the progress on this case, Susan?"

"This case showed no progress, Bill, it  
seems it is still unknown who the father is."

"Thank you Susan. Be sure to tune in tomorrow for more news on  
Anna-Nicole Smith."

"Are you telling  
me you're the father, Jack?"

"That is  
correct, Bill."

"Dang."

5:00 P.M.

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE

BETWEEN 5:00PM AND 6:00PM

5:00 PM

CTU, LOS ANGELES

"How could this happen, Jack?" Bill asked.

"I don't know sir…Believe me." Jack responded.

"Alright… We'll have to deal with this later. Right now we have bigger things to worry about." Bill reached over and grabbed the phone off his desk and dialed the number for Morris O'Brian.

"Yeah?" Came the tired bored voice of Morris.

"Morris give me a status report."

"I spat it out." Morris replied.

"Okay Moe thanks." Bill hanged up the receiver and dialed the white house."

"Palmer."

"Wayne, I have new information."

"Okay, Bill go right ahead."

"Morris O'Brian spat it out."

"Thank you, Bill, now you need to relay this information to the Vice President."

"Alright." Bill hung up the phone and dialed Vice President Noah Daniels.

"Yes?"

"Mr. Vice President. Morris spat it out."

"…I don't get it."

"Alright, there is one more person to tell." Bill replied. Bill turned and faced Morris.

"Morris, you spat it out."

"I know, I just told you ten minutes ago, what's the deal, Bill?"

"Just recapping."

5:11:05PM

CTU, LOS ANGELES

"Bill. It's Tony the Terrorist."

"What does he want?"

"Amnesty. Signed by the President."

"Another one? Alright, one minute."

ONE MINUTE LATER

"Palmer."

"Mr. Palmer it's Bill. Mr. Almeida needs a pardon."

"Give it to him."

"Yes sir."

Bill hung up the phone, just in time to see Jack punch out a couple of guards moving towards Tony's cell.

"JACK, what's going on?"

"Bill, I KNOW Tony, he only did what he did to save Michelle."

"Michelle is dead Jack"

"WHATEVER, I have undeniable proof."

"Where is that, Jack."

"In my head."

"that's great Jack. You're under arrest."

"FINE. Just one thing."

"What."

"I'm gonna need a pardon."

"I can't do that Jack."

"FINE. Then just let me finish my job for the day, then you can take me back to holding."

"Alright. But leave Tony alone."

5:30PM

CTU, LOS ANGELES

"Chloe, how are we on the image enhancer?"

"We have a picture of a happy face."

"Can you enhance it?"

Chloe clicked a few buttons, and within a few minutes the happy face turned into a very clear HD picture of Osama Bin Laden.

"Ok, this is who we are looking for. Good work Chloe."

"We're never going to find him." Chloe muttered.

"Why not?"

"Cause Morris gave the terrorists information on how to keep him hidden…jerk."

Morris then stood to his feet, and shot Chloe in the head point black. Chloe flopped to the ground.

"Morris, you are under arrest for the murder of Chloe O'Brian."

"I need a pardon."

"How do you figure?"

"I spat it out."

5:45PM

Alarms rang throughout the CTU complex, Jack had just escaped from the building with Tony, as ordered not to. Bill rushed to a telephone, and dialed Jacks cell.

"Bauer."

"Jack, what were you thinking… Come back here so we can arrest you."

"Only if you give me a pardon."

"You got a deal, Jack, just let me pass this on to the President."

5:55PM

White House, Washington DC

"Palmer."

"Mr. President. We have around 5 or 6 pardons for you to look at… Mr. President?"

Just then Wayne collapsed for no apparent reason whatsoever. Just then Noah Daniels walked into the room, and saw Wayne's body. He was the last to speak for the hour.

"Let's start World War 3….and 4"


End file.
